Changing Roles In Your Relationship

I was reading an article recently that talked about grieving for a spouse or partner when they have passed away.  The article included a list of the various roles that a person plays in the life of another and how these roles are very difficult to replace.  The list included, "... lover, companion, confidant, advocate, caretaker, etc." 

Now imagine for a moment that your spouse hasn't passed away, yet they are no longer able to fulfill some or even all of these roles that are vital to a relationship.  If you're a caregiver for someone with a chronic and progressive illness you don't really have to use your imagination here at all.  Because this can sometimes become your reality.  Your loved one is still with you, yet unable to be a lover or a confidant or even a companion.  What happens then?

Some caregivers simply deny this aspect of their lives.  But even they grieve the loss...below the surface of what they themselves can see.  Others try to "move on."  But what does moving on mean when your loved one is alive?  It's a question that has as many answers as MS has symptoms.  And, like MS itself, 10 different caregivers may arrive at 10 different answers.

I wish this post could be a "How To" guide to dealing with this incredibly painful aspect of caregiving.  But I'm not sure that there is a universal, one-size-fits-all solution to dealing with "the long goodbye."  I am sure that it's something that each caregiver has to come to terms with.  And sometimes coming to terms with what your loved one can no longer be for you begins with acknowledging that, as a caregiver, your relationship with your loved one is changing.  They are looking to you for very different kinds of things and, simultaneously, you must acknowledge the new roles that they can fulfill in your life as well as those roles that they are no longer capable of fulfilling.

Recognizing that your relationship with your loved one may be transitioning into a different relationship with different needs, goals and roles may be the first step to understanding your place in that relationship while learning to appreciate the new things that the relationship may deliver to you.  It's not a complete answer, but it's one more small step toward caring for yourself.

Comments

[Care Giver]

You have written a beautiful post here. It reminded me of reading my vows...In sickness or in health, till death do us part. I think it's great that you point out that you need to continue to fulfill your partners' needs, even as illness changes those need.

[Sherry Pendleton]

My IS has been ill for 23 years....I have been the caregiver. The extreme radiation and chemo destroyed all his gland functions 23 years ago. This means that there have been no intimate relations for us in all this time. He is now dying from terminal cancer of the neck, lungs and brain. I took a vow for better or worse, richer, poorer, sickness or health. We never know what our lot will be. Ours was sickness. I do not regret staying faithful but will not say that this road has been easy.
Sometimes the hard roads bring the most magnificent views.....
Hoping so and keeping on until the end.
Sherry

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My IS has been ill for 23 years....I have been the caregiver. The extreme radiation and chemo destroyed all his gland functions 23 years ago. This means that there have been no intimate relations for us in all this time. He is now dying from terminal cancer of the neck, lungs and brain. I took a vow for better or worse, richer, poorer, sickness or health. We never know what our lot will be. Ours was sickness. I do not regret staying faithful but will not say that this road has been easy.
Sometimes the hard roads bring the most magnificent views.....
Hoping so and keeping on until the end.
Sherry

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