Caregivers From Mars & Patients From Venus

We've all probably read, heard or talked about the social/gender phenomenon made famous in the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  But have you ever thought about how the Mars/Venus hypothesis applies to caregiving...and how this is an especially important aspect of caregiving within the MS community?

From the earliest age, women learn to build and rely upon their social network.  When a schoolgirl discovers that the little boy pulling her pigtails actually has a crush on her, she immediately shares the news with her girlfriends.  Her friends counsel her with sage advice and strategy for best dealing with the situation.  And so it goes...the schoolgirl matures but this particular behavior doesn't change.  Women are socialized to turn to their girlfriends in times of triumph and tragedy...to share their wins, fears and losses.

Men learn a somewhat different lesson.  Men are socialized to be the problem solver.  To shoulder responsibility.  To get 'er done...and asking for help is somehow equated with weakness and failure.

Successful caregivers learn that they can't succeed alone.  (The truth is that in any endeavor, no one really succeeds alone, but that's a topic for another blog).  Caregivers learn how important it is to reach out to their own social network.  To ask for help and to accept help and support with grace.  For women, it's something they've been doing all of their lives.  They merely apply what they already know to a new situation.  For men, it's often a whole new world.  It can be scary and intimidating.  But it can be learned.

The particular challenge within the MS community is that we know that MS targets women at a somewhat higher rate than men.  This means that a majority of MS caregivers are likely to be men.  But we also know that in the face of an MS diagnosis, male spouses frequently leave.  I haven't read any definitive reasons for the male exodus in the face of chronic illness, but I can't help but think that at least a partial reason lies in the fact that on Mars, men never learn the basics for communicating with and relying on their social network for help and support.  Perhaps some sort of outreach education could go a long way toward creating better Martian caregivers for our patients from Venus.

Comments

[Carrie Van pelt]

I am so frustrated with my chronically ill husband saying, "I can do that" and not being able to do, but not wanting me to ask willing friends for assistance. Sometimes I just get someone to do the tasks that I can't do, but friends are reluctent to go against my husband wishes.Any suggestions would be appreciated by this very tired woman.

[Jon Strum: The Coach For Caregivers]

Why not have a converation with your friends and explain that you really appreciate their help -- in spite of your husband's protests. Let them know that they can support him (and you!) best by taking on some of the tasks that need to be done regardless of what your husband may have to say. Your friends will probably understand this more easily than you think.