Well, after a month-long hiatus, I'm back. I've posted before that I'm on the verge of launching a new business venture. Well, tomorrow is the day that the new business launches and the past few weeks have seemed like a marathon of necessary details. But my "marathon" started with a bit of R&R, as I went to Las Vegas for a couple of days of calm before the storm.
If you've been following my posts then you know that this trip to Las Vegas has been planned, scrapped, booked, canceled and eventually locked in. It all started when I received an invitation to be comped at a great hotel. An offer I couldn't refuse. But getting there was a difficult trip. Not the actual trip, but the one that I put myself through -- feeling guilty at the thought of funning and sunning while Jeanne remained at home with a live-in caregiver.
For me, it came down to realizing that life was meant to be lived, and I was entitled to live mine. In fact, I could be a better caregiver, and worry less about things like burnout, if I took the time to "care for the caregiver." And so I went to Las Vegas.
It was a pretty great trip, with a few minor exceptions. My time seemed equally divided between hanging out at the pool with a book and sleeping. Apparently, I needed both more than I knew. I was staying at a hotel that Jeanne and I had often stayed at, and that led to a few bittersweet occasions where, as I watched other couples enjoying themselves, I "saw" Jeanne and I years ago. Not quite a ghost sighting, but close. And I reminded myself if Jeanne of years ago was still in my life, we'd be sharing this time in Las Vegas together. But the reality is that Jeanne isn't with me anymore. MS has diminished so much of her, both physically and cognitively, that she's a very different person. And my role in that person's life has changed, as well. I'm no longer there to share Jeanne's life. I'm there to make sure she's as comfortable as possible. And I do my best to make that happen every single day.
The trip to Las Vegas liberated me to take other short trips. In fact, the day after tomorrow, I'm heading to San Francisco for a 3-day business conference. Now this is the kind of trip that Jeanne would beg NOT to go on. So I don't anticipate seeing any ghosts. But should I come across any, I'll remember that they aren't ghosts of the woman I left at home, but rather the woman that MS left behind.
Comments