There's something about being in the second-half of October that tends to remind me that the holiday season is right around the corner...even if it is 75 degrees and sunny as I write this. Up until just a few years ago, the very thought of planning a Thanksgiving dinner, penciling out a guest list for our Christmas party or strategizing a holiday gift list for Jeanne would have quickened my step and put a smile on my face. The winter holidays were my favorite time of year. Even my own birthday gets dropped into the mix, occurring just a week before Christmas. It's such a great time of year that even business seemed to slow down so that I would have enough time to enjoy each day, each occasion, each celebration.
But things have changed as Jeanne's MS has progressed. I've gone from preparing "day of" and even "day after" Thanksgiving feasts for 8-10 people to preparing "easy to swallow" dinners just for Jeanne and me to not preparing anything at all -- and I'm someone who used to love to cook. But last year, Jeanne slept much of Thanksgiving day. Our annual Christmas party is a memory. And if I don't let Jeanne know that it's Christmas morning or my birthday, then she'll never even miss them.
So how does a caregiver best celebrate the holidays? My head tells me the answer is, "With close friends." My heart argues, "So off you'll go to enjoy yourself while your wife can't?" I know the right answer here, but it isn't easy to get past the guilt. If you check my previous posts about "whither or not Las Vegas?" you'll quickly come to realize that this is a recurring theme for me (and other caregivers). Guilt is an all too familiar visitor to my world. One that takes up its position just inside my front door so that it's there to trip me up as I try to leave...try to stay connected to the outside world and to the people who care about me.
So how does a caregiver best celebrate the holidays? Over the next couple of months, we have the opportunity to explore this question...to compare our answers and ideas...to reconcile the idea that being a great caregiver means always remembering to take care of yourself. We have a couple of months to displace that un-invited visitor lurking just inside my front door. Whaddya say?
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