For the past few years, Jeanne has suffered increasing weakness in her esaphogus. This symptom makes it difficult for her to swallow and speak. Because of her swallowing difficulty, Jeanne has relied on a diet of "thick liquids" (i.e., fortified milk shakes). During this time we've tried, at all costs, to avoid the feeding tube.
Why? Given Jeanne's difficulty swallowing, a feeding tube is a no-brainer kind of solution. WIth a feeding tube, she can get the nutrition that she needs whether she physically feels up to swallowing a whole shake or not. With a feeding tube, she can easily maintain her weight instead of continuing her weight loss into the danger zone (she's 5' 3" and currently weighs less than 100 pounds).
So what's the problem? Why the hesitation? Why the fear? I guess it's what that feeding tube represents. Let's face it, no one gets put on a feeding tube because things are going well. In the parlance of video games, when you get the feeding tube, you reach a new level in the progression of your MS. And that's a scary proposition for Jeanne and me. And when I realize that Jeanne's cognitive limitations will probably keep her from reacting one way or the other toward her feeding tube, then I realize that the fear is all mine. It's not based on reason or logic...but is fear ever reasonable or logical? It's simply one more in my face reminder that the progression of Jeanne's MS continues...it can't be slowed and she can't be saved. And now, she qualifies for her very own feeding tube --- a dubious honor at best.
Jeanne had her feeding tube placed in her stomach yesterday. The doctors are going to try it out today. And one more piece of a frightening puzzle will fall into place. "My wife is on a feeding tube." All of a sudden, you don't need to know a thing about MS to know that this is probably not a good thing. How do I best deal with this new development? Well, because I do know a few things about Jeanne's condition, I know that she'd be dealing with many more health issues in the very near future without that feeding tube. Given the alternatives, I find myself actually feeling glad that she has it. And with that realization, years of chronic anxiety give way to a moment of total relief.
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